He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
He loves blowjobs.. were meant for each other.
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
