I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
Hes pre-made beer lollipops so he "can suck before the sex" QUOTE!
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
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