why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
Dude she threw his clothes out n 8th floor window and her dog tried to bite his dick off. So the answer is yes it could be worse...
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
i dont remember how or why, but i now have 3 coupons for a free BJ from Anise stapled to my right arm.
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
Randomize
