from now on my penis is your penis
Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
Makin mac and cheese without you. Definitely seem to do this better inside you. Splashed boiling water on my cock
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
Randomize
