u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
What's the procedure for failed threesomes? Do I friend her on facebook this morning?
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
she's in the bathroom. spitting in the trashcan. not throwing up. just spitting and singing bad romance by lady gaga.
thatta girl
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
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