Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
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