I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
Randomize
