can you explain to me why you commented on every one of my profile pics with "tits and beer ftw" please and thank you.
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
If only we could all 3 say fuck school to be stoner flight attendants
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
He took the Gold in Olympic clit licking last night. Canada should be proud.
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
Randomize
