dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
he wanted to have me eat skittles off of his body. he mad gay sex even gayer.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
Breakfast Clubbing as Juggalos. I can feel our IQs in freefall.
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
All I remember is that I was trying to call my wolf pack by howling.
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
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