Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
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