i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
Randomize
