don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
If the first sentence isn't something about weed or the nature of choclate I'm skipping class.
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
Less than a month to graduation and I'm still blacking out on the reg tonguing down the closest breathing organism preferably with a penis but I'm flexible, and still havent figured out how to be functional on Fridays. WHY don't they teach us valuable shit at this institution!?
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
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