please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
I don't know what happened to get you in this mentality. This time last year your were ass up on a hotel bathroom counter getting licked by a stranger.
All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
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