My bad bro. I had no idea that when i suggested our triva team name be my last abortion tickled, that she would bring up cancun. Stay strong i think she really liked you
you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
hypothetically, what's the best method to remove an stray semen gob from a roommate's important school document?
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
Me and my boss just exchanged pictures of our bongs and such...I don't know I feel about this
Randomize
