I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
We had a complete conversation while I was giving him head, at one point he even stopped me and said 'I love how we're just hanging out.'
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
Well, you're 18 and dating a 28 year old. Who has a wife. Who isn't you. I would guess that's why your mom frowns upon the relationship.
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
Randomize
