he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
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