she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
I am certain that you would be a mere freckle on the behemoth of slutty that has taken place at this complex.
Randomize
