I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
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