in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
No, no. The rest of his everything inspires me to put his dick in my mouth
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
I think they make you graduate because you get too old to go hard and become a risk. homecoming weekend wins again. fuck.
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
i agree, on both the sex thing and the unrepentant bastard thing
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
