you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
Does boxed wine and camel crushes signify a college date? Lets hope so
Yeah, it was all fun and games until I realized that it wasn't my tent, and I had no idea who those people were
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
She came to college a virgin and left on court order. We ruined her.
I broke down outside of an all boys correctional facility
well if that's not a gay porn waiting to happen, i dont know what is...
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
Randomize
