he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
Its all fun and games until someone grabs the electrical fence.
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
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