By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
I just texted him to come over because I want to see if his hand fits the handprint bruise on my ass.....I feel like the cinderella of S&M
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
Randomize
