there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
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