I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
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