So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
To say he's a good fuck is like saying the beatles had a bit of success. My vag is still mourning the fact he moved.
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
its just been over 12 hours, and i`m dying, don`t know how i`m supposed to survive the holidays sexless
These kids are nice. Shrooms make everything so nice.
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
Randomize
