apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
what if every blade of grass was a penis?
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
But if you move out who will get drunk with me on the roof and yell at boys?!?
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
Randomize
