Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
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