We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
Youre saying I should leave him? Have you seen the dating pool these days? It's terrifying, and in the capital region it's straight Norman Bates
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
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