I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
My hanfda are one with the u niverse and I am cirretnly inhaling a couch
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
she visited to give me a bj between clients. Social work at its finest.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
