Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
be proud. or at least amused. an 18 yr old and a 25 yr old at least makes my average hookup age this week the same as my age.
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
Randomize
