my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
I dont care if he cant spell. Illiterate people need blowjobs too
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
I think they make you graduate because you get too old to go hard and become a risk. homecoming weekend wins again. fuck.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
Well when we Get drunk it gets rowdy. We could always attempt self-control. But historically and statistically speaking, we fail at that.
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
Randomize
