i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
I NEED TO NOT REMEMBER THIS IN THE MORNING. He is our TEACHER.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
Randomize
