sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
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