then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
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