do you know mcdonalds refuses to give out large cups of water now? you have to buy a bottle or they give you a small cup. No exceptions.
RUDE.
I said FINE, then I'd like 7 small waters and 2 of those nifty carrying cases to carry about my h2o.
outsmarted mickey deeeees
Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
i bet he makes cat noises to excite himself.
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Randomize
