I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
nothing says roomie bonding better than a sunday shroom trip.
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
random boy in my bed. last night wasnt a dream. fuck.
Randomize
