When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
im holly from the hills drunk
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
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