I just woke up. In the port-o-potty next to our tailgate. an hour after the game started. explain.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
I don't know what you're talking about but its dick galore in the tub. We will be getting poked tonight. Bring forks.
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Randomize
