either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
wearing my roomate's scarf as a dress...halloween 2011 ladies and gentlemen
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
actually there are like 49038098 people in the bathroom for no reason. Singing My Heart Will Go On and pseudo fighting.
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
I'll give you one guess. It has a cock and I want it
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
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