Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
Idk woke up on the suite in someone else's clothing and actually broke my ankle
Randomize
