There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
They wouldn't let me hang out the sun roof and sing apple bottom jeans in the drive thru of hardee's i think i no longer like these ppl
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
I think drinking everclear was a better idea than taking a night class.
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
I don't know why this person would ask for help. It sounds pretty OK to me. Also, I'd steal those bagpipes.
Randomize
