I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
Do you still like to have your hair pulled?
No, I never liked having my hair pulled. I think you have me confused.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
Edward fifth and chaser hands
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
Randomize
