his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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