i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
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