1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
I just want some dick and chicken fingers please advise
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
Hypothetically, I throw a party and my ex-boyfriend and my current fuck buddy are in the same house... what should I do?
How many beds are in the house? Hypothetically...
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
Randomize
