look no pants
i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Randomize
