Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
The look your mother gives you when she sees you masterbating on web cam is unlike any I've seen before, but this is a case where, I would say, ignorance is bliss.
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
ayo
its like you know when i get waxed
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
Randomize
