I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
you just can't say no to drugs on a mirrored table.
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
My butt remains clenched, sir.
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
Randomize
