i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
i'm lost and i look like a hooker
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
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