I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
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