Tell her she can't have a vagina
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
Randomize
