dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
Randomize
