I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
I started the year with 2,800 dollars and am now down to 83 dollars-one of which i use to snort my focalin. I have given up on food and am perplexed as to how I can make 82 dollars last more than two weekends for booze
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
Randomize
